You’re a Freshman When…

Submitted by: #CTL Writer Sterling McLean

Welcome to College. I’m going to give you a huge head start on your new life by listing off 10 things that will give you away as a freshman. Yes, as upperclassmen, we can practically smell you. Dodge these common mistakes and you may be mistaken for someone way cooler than you actually are.

You ask for directions 

 

Listen betch, welcome to college. Everything you learn here you will apply to real life. If you’re going to become the type of person that constantly doubts himself/herself and needs directions from the mess hall to Sykes College of Business, just drop out now. You’re doomed.

“Back home….” 

 

If every story you have starts with some sort of varition of “back home,” you’re a freshman. Why? Because you haven’t made any cool stories where you are yet. Any story that starts with “back home…,” is a lie.

“Oh, back home I was totally banging this girl and gave her the Simba!”

“What’s the simba?”

“It’s when you’re hooking up with a girl and finish on her stomach and then wipe it across her forehead and whisper ‘simba’ like in the Lion King.”

Never ever happened. You’re a freshman and liar. Any stories that happened “back home” are false cause no one can validate it.

You have a girlfriend and you met her in high school 

 

I’m not saying dump your girlfriend on your way to a new school. I’m saying seriously consider it. Think of it this way, everyone is going to a party. Everyone is invited, except your girlfriend that you’re leaving at home.

You get to this party and everyone is having a blast, except for you, because you just turned on the TV and those, “Donate a dollar a day to beaten, abused animal” commercials came on.  As they’re slowly fading from one kitten to the next puppy, your girlfriend comes on the screen, in a cage, with a sign saying, “I miss your face” stapled to her side boobs. That’s what college is like your freshman year with a girlfriend. The greatest party you’ve ever been to but you still have to donate to that charity case back home.

Give single life a shot. If you don’t like it for three of four years then go back to that high school sweetheart. Seriously, end it civilly or watch it all come crashing down when you get cheated on in the first two weeks. Now who’s the one in the cage?

You purchased AND brought all your books to your first class 

 

What. A. Sketchball.

Something on the door to signify you’re having sex 

 

Ashamed you’re having sex? Afraid someone will see you naked? Don’t want your roomie to stroll in cause you speared a whale? You’re sexually active, who cares? Hell, if anything, put a sign on your door saying, “I’m getting it in! Come in, grab a seat, and take notes.” Let the people of the world decide if they want to see you do the nasty with whatever swamp donkey you lassoed.

You show up to a party without girls (or beer) 

 

Pretty standard. When you party at someone else’s place tyou bring girls… or beer.  You need to show your worth in the form of “I’ve brought alcohol” or “I can attract young freshman you can take advantage of.” Remember: you’re not a freshman in college; you’re a senior in high school without parents around. Ladies – you showed up. You’re off the hook. Keg’s out back.

Scarface / Bob Marley / Boondock Saints Posters

 

I get the idea here, “I’ll put these posters on my wall and everyone will see I love trendy movies, chill music, and artsy-cultured movies.” Fact of the matter is everyone has seen these movies and no one cares. The girl next door isn’t going to walk in to your dorm room and bang you because  the McMannis brothers are pointing two guns down to the ground while “As Shepards We Shall Be…” is faintly seen in the background. Those three posters are not panty droppers. Be original. Throw up the movie poster from Pirates (the porn). When people ask, get confident and say, “It’s a porn. What you don’t watch porn? Everyone watches porn.” Boom, you just became the most confident person on campus. Respect. (See #CTL’s Poster Advice)

You ask your professor to go to the bathroom 

 

Listen, you’re in college now. Be an adult. Your professors don’t care about you. They care even less that you have to take a pee during your Composition and Rhetoric 101 class. Stand up, walk out the door, return like a boss. If for whatever the reason the teacher asks where you’re going, respond with, “Do you want details?” They’ll get the hint.

You wear a lanyard around your neck with your student ID and your room key 

 

I don’t understand why every freshman across America does this. Is it because they give it to you for free? Or all of a sudden your wallet got the back seat to the change purse with the ID card slot on it? ID card goes in your wallet, men. Ladies, look classy and buy a Vera Wang, if you haven’t all ready. When you drove your car around high school, did you put that key on a lanyard and wear it around your neck like how the boys from jersey shore wear their rosary beads? Welcome to the world of rhetoric, don’t answer any of those questions. Just understand you look like a douchy dumb freshman if you do this.

“What’s your major?” 

 

Long story short, in two weeks no one will give a fuck. Right now it’s a good conversation starter, but if you’re out and about don’t bank on that to get you anywhere. What’s my major? Stealing your girlfriend you came to college with, and making you regret every decision you ever made… froshie. But seriously, it’s a dead give away to an awkward conversation.  Little do you realize your major will change two maybe three times in the next semester.

You call your mom everyday 

 

Get off the teet. Not only is college the perfect time to stop suckling the nip that is the protection of your parents, but it’s definitely the right time to figure out when to not look like a pansy in front of your friends. If you’re in public and have an exchange like this:

“Hey Guys… could you keep it down? My moms trying to tell me something…. What? Mom? Oh yeah of course I miss, and love you too. Ok. Talk to you tomorrow!”

Then you better get slapped quickly.