Being Mr. Wonderful
Whoever said, “Chivalry is dead” was sadly mistaken. Chivalry is just hiding. Hiding in this essay in fact. Provided here are instructions to take you from zero to hero in no time. Guys, it is time to grow up and put your big boy pants on. By the end of these directions, you will be the ultimate gentleman and every lady in town will be drooling over you.
First things first, you need to find a date. And by date I mean female. And by female I mean a girl you’re not related to. Choose a woman you’re attracted to. I hear gingers are really in this season. Once you have chosen a woman, start chatting her up. Look for clues that will provide you with subjects to talk about. For example, if she’s wearing glasses, ask her what prescription she has. If she’s tan or looks like she just got back from vacation, ask her what sunscreen and SPF she uses. Topics like these are great icebreakers. They show how down-to-earth you are.
The next step can make or break the relationship. It’s time to get her digits. Politely ask for her pager number. If for some odd reason she doesn’t use a pager, a telephone number may take its place. Once she gives you her number and leaves, page or text her. Girls love when guys initiate conversation, especially when you saw them a few seconds earlier. Ask her questions about herself. The only thing women love more than talking about themselves, is talking about themselves. Some great questions include what she’s doing, where she’s going, who she’s with, why she is going where she’s going and what her favorite cheese is. Because let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a thick slice of Gouda?
After these above questions have been answered, tell her you’d like to take her out Friday night. She would be crazy not to accept. After all, you’re obviously a really laid back and chill guy. Once she accepts, choose a time and place. Make sure she has no say in this decision. Olive Garden is a good choice because of their authentic, homemade Italian food and unlimited salad and breadsticks. For a first date though, I recommend Chuck E. Cheese’s. Not only do they have delicious stuffed-crust pizza, but you can also win super cool prizes like giant stuffed monkeys or even the coveted Super Soaker 8000. Another fantastic thing about taking your girl to Chuck E Cheese’s is that it shows her your mature side. Most guys would simply take their date to a stuffy, over priced restaurant like P. F. Chang’s. But a real man would whac-a-mole his way to his girl’s heart.
While on this date, you want to look fly like a G-6 and be on your best behavior. So dress in a nice pair of ripped up jeans and a vintage Ed Hardy tee shirt. The tighter, the better. Socks and sandals are making a big comeback this year so slip your feet into this cozy combo. When approaching a door, scamper in front of her and walk in first. This will show her you’re taking control. Girls love a man in charge. Money will not be an issue during the date because you won’t bring your wallet. You make way too much money to only spend around fifty dollars. Fifty dollars is for poor people. You’re not poor. Besides, the least she could do is pay. She was lucky enough to go out with a stud like you.
After she happily foots the bill, take her back to your home. It’s time to turn up the heat, make some magic happen. Once you flip the lights on and she sees your place, she won’t be able to resist you. As she gazes at your cat figurine collection, covering every inch of your living room, she might shed a tear. Sneak up from behind and whisper in her ear, “The party don’t start till I walk in”. Give her a tour of the rest of your home, making sure not to skip the Star-Trek themed dining room or the Disney inspired playroom. At this point, she’ll be so into you she won’t know how to handle the situation. I must warn you though, seizures or foaming at the mouth may occur. If this happens, grab your handy-dandy Bob the Builder first aid kit and give her a shot of beaver tranquillizer to calm her down. This has about a seventy five percent success rate when used properly. So chances are she’ll just sleep it off and wake up feeling refreshed. The castle-shaped moon bounce you placed her in will do wonders for her back as well. But if, for some crazy reason the shot doesn’t work, dial 911.
As she’s being rolled out of your house on a stretcher, tell her you’ll call her in a few days. And by few days I mean every ten minutes, every day, for the next three months. She’ll love the fact your being direct and assertive. If she doesn’t page or call you back after the three months though, drop her like it’s hot. She’s going to be the one regretting she never saw you again. Start from the beginning of this guide and you’ll have another girl before you know it.
