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Drunk Girl Problems
Shots! I’m so glad to be with you girls. Let’s totally make this a girl’s night. You bitches are my life and that’s the truth. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Where’s my mascara? No, that’s her beer. Hand me one? Who’s driving? You guys, let’s go. He’s there right now and I want him to suffer because my skirt’s pulled up to my ass cheeks like a whore and he won’t get ANY of it tonight. I swear. I swear to god. Wait! Pictures! FAAAAAAACEBOOK!
*So and so checked in with 4 others at some bar/club… drinking heavily*
Where’s my phone? Oh, there it is. Shit, have you seen _____? God damnit, Last time I saw her she went to the bathroom. We need to find her, guys. Like, we need to find her. We rode together, and if I don’t find her… Hello? HELLO? Where are you?? Wait, I can’t, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! IT’S TOO LOUD! WHAT? WHAAAT? WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT? Just text me!
I’m so horny right now. I’m just trying to get it in tonight. That mass text worked magic last weekend. Probably the best choice. Here we go. *ga;ehcome overrrg i missj youuuj.,,… youu wanttt soeme?* No, trust me I’m fine. I’ve only had like fourteen shots. YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, THIS IS MY SONG! SHHHHH, THIS IS MY SONG! ’You little whores, screwing up my decors! Couldn’t get Michael Kors if you was fucking Michael Kors!’
No, really don’t worry about it! It’s totally my turn to pay. Here, take another $20 just because I love you. Like, I love you so much. You’re so pretty, and if I was half the person you were I would be, like, so happy. You’re amazing. Oh hey you. My name’s ____, and you? Yeah I’m from around here, what’s your story? Yeah, I guess it’s alright if you grab my ass and stick your tongue down my throat. That feels about right. (What was your name again?) Why the hell does this cigarette taste like plastic?
*head in toilet*
I need another beer. Am I really out of cash? God damnit, guess it’s time to push my tits up. Oh, hi! Of course you can buy me a drink! My number’s 555-5555. (Ha ha ha).
Where are my friends? Wait, do I know you? I really really need to pee. Bad. Don’t judge me. Please. Don’t. Judge. Me. *pees in bush.* Ahhh, I feel so much better. Oh, THERE you are! I am so happy right now! Taco bell?
Yeah, I’ll take eight tacos, three burritos, and a diet coke. Awesome, you’re the best. How are you doing tonight? I bet you’re like SO annoyed seeing all these drunk people at this hour. Well, like have a good night! Awesome.
Pull over. No seriously, pull over……… Alright, all better. Just drop me off at his house. Don’t judge me! I just need some ass tonight. You get it, right? Alright, awesome. I love you girls. You are my life. Like, I like, OMG, I’m like about to cry. I love you. Okay, see you guys soon! Breakfast on Friday? My treat.
Where the F am I?
- losing your phone every 10 seconds
- losing your friends every 10 seconds
- lighting the wrong end of a cigarette
- being sober until you stand up
- pushing up your tits when you’re out of cash = free drinks
- not knowing if you’re drunk or not, then proceeding to drink
- peeing in public places
- mass drunk texting, just to, like, give you options
- broadcasting to everyone whenever ‘YOUR SONG’ is on
- eating 4,000 calories at the end of the night and waking up with extreme diarrhea
- giving out fake numbers for drinks
- the entire night is one long, steep, downhill
- throwing up periodically throughout the night
- crying periodically throughout the night
- forgetting names, hooking up anyway
- drunk facebooking = the new drunk texting
- professing your love to random people
- waking up completely oblivious