Thanks to the MTV Gods, our favorite trashy and dysfunctional family has come back for their 5th season. Most people will say it’s good that this show is soon coming to an end (hope I didn’t blow that for anyone) and will no longer be polluting our minds with spray tans, rhinestones, grenades, and house music. Now, we’ll be able to take our Thursday nights and put them towards more important activities, like drinking. With the news that this is their last season in Jersey, most college students will rejoice as this chapter of our lives comes to an end. However, as someone who lives and breathes the Shore, I suggest that we look at it from a different perspective- JShore has provided us with endless entertainment that no other scripted MTV reality show could. It has significantly lowered our standards for what we believe to be socially acceptable in America; something that has been necessary for some time now. Because of this, I thank you, Jersey Shore. Here are some life lessons that we can take from this disastrous form of entertainment. Cheers to you, my favorite guidos. You da best.
Keep your standards low, and you’ll never be disappointed
If the JShore cast wasn’t content with bringing home grenades, they really wouldn’t have brought home anyone, therefore would never be getting it in. By keeping the bar low and focusing on vag as the main quality of attraction, they easily kept the smush room occupied and then happily told all of America about it the next day. Thank you, Sitch, for teaching me the true secret to happiness.
Drinking all day every day makes you a dedicated, committed, responsible person
Don’t be a quitter. As clearly demonstrated by Snooki, being an alcoholic brings consistency into your every life, which most likely gives you a sense of comfort and stability. From the first episode of season one up until the latest episode, Snooks has never once let us down in her blacked out, belligerent tendencies. Thanks to her running into bushes, hooking up with old men, getting arrested, and flashing her cooka to the camera several times, Nicole Pollizzi has discovered exactly who she is, and so have we.
Dating quidos will give you an appreciation for real people
As we’ve learned from Sammi and Ron’s relationship: being them is the ultimate hell. No one wants that. If you’ve ever gotten frustrated or upset with your significant other, put things into perspective: at least he/she isn’t throwing your bed out onto the front porch or screaming that they’ve hooked up with multiple grenades and MTV has evidence to prove it. Trust me, you have it good. Next time your boyfriend cancels a date to go out with his friends, just think: at least he’s not a compulsive crier or on steroids. Case closed.
First impressions and how you present yourself matters
As the Shore teaches us wisely, you must be looking fresh to death at all hours of the day. I don’t care what you’re getting ready for- class, a job interview, a first date, a Thanksgiving dinner with your family- you need to have your leopard print, spray tan, cleavage, and hair in check. If not, honestly, who do you think will take you seriously?
All you need is family
Who cares if you’re 23 years old and don’t know how to do your own laundry? As long as you have your mom and your entire extended family by your side 24/7, you can continue fist pumping and GTL’ing worry-free. For those of you college students who are currently trying to be independent and pay your way through your education- give it up. At this point, the best move for you would be to drop out of school, get adopted by Vinnie’s overbearing mother, and spend the rest of your days being fed, hot tubbing, and crying when you’re in the hot tub away from your mother. Seriously, this is a fool-proof plan; you’ll never need a real job in your life. All you need is family. Oh, and your creepy drunken uncle trying to sleep with all of your friends, too. Whatever.
