In-class Pet Peeves

1. Sitting in the Front Row We get it, you want to show the teacher that you love learning! But you should probably suck his dick too just to make sure you have his full attention.

2. Raising Your Hand (Multiple Times) You’re making the rest of us look bad, dude/dudette.  No one cares that you know how many dimes Sally has left over after she starts with 5 and uses 3.  I’ve beaten the impossible quiz. Bitch.

3.    Coughing/Sneezing/Etc.  Take some medicine before you come to class.  It’s hard to concentrate on the conversation I’m having with the hottie in my dorm room when you sniffle every 10 seconds.  She’s THIS close to sending me nudes and you’re fucking it up.

4.    Kids Who Use Two Armrests One is for me and one is for you.  I’d like to avoid the awkward moment when both our elbows touch for a millisecond.  Know your limits.

5.    The Booger Eaters We all see you every time you pick your nose and eat it.  You can’t hide something so easily detectable in a lecture hall full of wandering eyes.  Somebody will see you and somebody will tell the person next to them leading to everybody knowing and you never getting laid again. Or for the first time.

6.    Kids Who Don’t Let You Cheat So you just so happen to be covering the answers to your exam with your other arm and not intentionally making it impossible for me to copy a few answers, right?  Help a brother out.  I need at least a C on this test.

7.    Chinese People Talking I wouldn’t mind it if you spoke English, but since you never do I assume you’re making fun of me and it makes me mad.  So stop.

8.    Teachers Who Don’t Use Slides Oh. My. Mother. Fucking. God.  You’re that lazy that you can’t even give us at outline of what you’re going to say?  I don’t have the mental capacity to write and think at the same time.  Plus, I’m playing ‘Words With Friends’ right now so I don’t have the time to listen to every word you say.

9. Teachers Who Can’t Speak English Why the fuck do they even hire these professors?  Sorry I didn’t take Russian last semester.  The only foreign language sentence I know is that one Hitler used all the time.  I’d probably learn more about this subject if I just stayed home and jerked off.

10. The Smelly Students If I wanted to smell shit during class I’d fart and suffocate myself in my own shirt to consume the smell.  You HAVE to know that you smell like a poopy cow and if you don’t well…I hope someone has the common courtesy to tell you. Like your mom.

11. Fat Kids This isn’t gym class.  I shouldn’t have to hop over you to get to my seat because it takes too long for you to get up.  Either lose weight or sit on the stairs.

12. Groups of Friends Nobody gives a fuck about your inside jokes.  You may think we’d love to join your little party but actually we want to kill every single one of you.  Go jerk each other off somewhere else.

13.  The Eaters/Drinkers Slowly opening your bag of chips makes more noise than opening them real quick.  Not to mention we can hear you chew your food.  If you’re going to eat during class open the bag before and dump them into a less annoying container (like a zip lock bag).  Or share.  Then I don’t give a fuck how loud you are.