The 5 Rules of Love (Self-Love That Is)
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Posted
February 11, 2012 by jdubs in
Original Articles
There’s no topic in college that elicit a wider variety of responses than love. Depending on who you ask you’ll get a huge range of opinions on how guys should spend their college time focused on the opposite sex. There’s the frat bro who’s goal is to not be able to walk anymore by the time he graduates, the boyfriend in a long-distance relationship who’s as whipped as it gets, the high school badass who has yet to open the 30-pack of Trojans he thought wouldn’t last him his first month, and everything in between.
However, there’s one partner that all of these dudes will fool around with: their right-(or left, or both if you’re lucky) hand ma… uhm, hand. No matter who you are, no love is going to get you through college like the love you give yourself.
There’s 5 essential rules to follow out of respect for yourself and your others bros.
Rule #1: One’s Company
The most important rule that any guy must follow is that it is never, and I repeat never, okay to do what you gotta do with anyone else in the room. No matter how drunk you are or how dry your spell, it is never okay to do this with someone else in the room. I don’t care that your roommate has been passed out in his vomit for the past 5 hours, this is still an unspeakable act. Finding this time for yourself is the reason you and your roommates exchanged schedules in the first place.
Rule #2: No Scrub, No Love
Just like when you’re with a real-life girl and the rule “no glove, no love” always applies, this rule is the same. You’d (hopefully) always prepare for a girl before you hooked up, and your member deserves the same respect. You don’t think they sell lotion bottles that big for actual moisturizing do you?
Rule #3: In Your Room, Only You Can Hear Them Scream
While nobody should be in the room when you get down to business, there’s bound to be somebody within hearing distance given how paper-thin college walls are. Not only does letting everybody hear the freaky ass videos you’re listening to defeat the purpose of the first rule, it just creates an awkward situation for everybody involved. Plug in those Dre Beats and get to beatin’.
Rule #4: The Names Browsing. Private Browsing
There’s a reason all the best browsers have private modes, and its not to hide all the times you creep the Facebook of that girl in your Calc II class. It’s so you can go 007 and hide any traces of your session. You never want anybody using your computer to see the nasty porn you’re looking up online, and quite frankly I don’t think you want to be reminded of it either.
Rule #5: Jill’s a Booty Call
Don’t get me wrong, being able to relieve yourself is one of the greatest gifts the world has given men. But that doesn’t mean your hand should be your main squeeze (get it? 
). The goal should always be to get the girl, because believe me two is always better than one. Think of your hand as a booty call; it’s always there when you need it, but you never call it till your out of the options you actually want.
). The goal should always be to get the girl, because believe me two is always better than one. Think of your hand as a booty call; it’s always there when you need it, but you never call it till your out of the options you actually want.
