The Art of the Rotation
With Valentines Day rapidly approaching, every normal man and single girl is sweating bullets. Why does stupid corporate America have to put so much pressure on us to make this day of the year perfect for our significant other? Usually we would be able to overlook a night of sloppy, drunk sex, but if you don’t perform up to par on Valentines Day, you’re not going to live it down. Don’t even get me started on being single on Valentines Day. It’s the one day of the year where you feel like absolute shit whether you want to be in a committed relationship or not. It’s inevitable, especially when seeing all that young love on campus and Facebook photos of your sorority sisters crying over their new Cartier love bracelets reminds you that you are doomed to be single forever. No, but really, you made out with a pledge, climbed on top of a fountain, and then fell in it in front of him. Reason #2683 you will never have a boyfriend.
Maybe even just a few months ago this harsh reality might have bothered me, but that is before I had perfected the masterful tactic known as the rotation. Seems pretty self-explanatory, but it takes much practice before you can truly consider yourself an expert. I’ve made some amateur mistakes in the process but have finally achieved a happy balance where I can shack with multiple bros, never get too attached to any one person, and briefly forget that there is a zero percent chance any respectable boy would want to date an alcoholic train wreck like me. Obviously it goes without saying that this applies to boys too, but they don’t really need my expert advice in the sloring department.
Rule #1: Spread the love
Okay, so everyone knows being a slut is gross and everything but the best part about the rotation is it’s totally top-secret as long as you keep it that way. The easiest way to do this is to avoid banging two guys in the same house. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you hook up with two guys in the same pledge class. They will find out, you will at least become a running joke and at worst become blacklisted. Since you are a hot betch and are choosing from the cream of the crop, being blacklisted from a top frat is just not an option. So keep your legs closed long enough to be selective about your choices since you only get one from each house at a time, at least until the next rush.
Rule # 2: Divide your time equally
Spending more time with any one bro is a recipe for disaster. Girls are emotional wrecks and if you start liking one more than the others, you will fuck up the whole thing. Never hook up with one bro before his turn in line. With the rotation system, you spend enough time apart from him with the other dudes that if he hasn’t seen you in a while he might think about your tits for a second while he jacks off. Something romantic like that will remind him how hot you are and how much he wants to get you in the sack again, and he might even text you. This is a sign that you have locked down your rotation and are now coasting. DON’T blow your cool by texting him first. Either track him down in person or wait until he says something to you. The second you text him first his brain immediately shuts down into “She wants me to paint her nails while rubbing strawberry lotion on her legs and feeding her Pinkberry while we watch The Notebook” mode.
Rule #3: Keep things exciting
This is a time where you are really in such a state of extreme whorish desperation that you really couldn’t sink much lower. Plus, (and the boys don’t know this because all frat douchebags thinks every girl wants to marry them) you’re enjoying this just as much as they are. You’ve always wanted to do it in the alley behind Taco Bell? Sure, go for it. Been reading a little too much Cosmo and think that the Wheelbarrow whatever underwater whatnot or weird edible props sound like a good idea? Hey, whatever you’re into. There’s not much dignity left to lose. Just be good at what you do and he won’t be able to stop thinking about you until you’ve blown through your cycle and are ready for slam piece number one again.
