The Do’s & Don’ts of Single Life (A Girl’s Guide)

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If you think being single sucks, you’re doing it wrong. When I see couples holding hands on campus, I wanna vom in my mouth. Seriously, how boring is your weekend when you know exactly whose bed you’re going to end up in every night? And come on, if you’re in a serious relationship in your twenties, chances are you’ve at least thought about whether this might be “the one.” EW, no thank you. Being single can be infinitely better than being the boring bitch in a relationship, but only if you’re doing it right. If you are single but still pining for a boyfriend to cuddle with all winter, here are the top 9 red flags you’re doing it wrong:

1If you consistently wake up in your own bed every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning #youredoingitwrong

If you wake up in your own bed and remember how you got there, then you are not partying hard enough. Girls in relationships are at least waking up in their boyfriend’s beds, and you can’t let those boring bitches outdo you. Until you wake up and don’t recognize the boy, the room, or even the campus, you have not done single right. Bonus points if you can’t find your clothes.

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2If you consistently remember your Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights #youredoingitwrong

Black out or back out. ALWAYS take the extra shot. When you think you’re way too drunk, that means you’re almost drunk enough. You are free to go where the wind (bus or cab) takes you. Hang on to your girlfriends (unless they’re cockblocking) and enjoy. The best stories will always be the ones you don’t remember. Ride the blackout train, ride that random guy, and then ride that cab home in victory.

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3If you’ve ever done anything productive on a Saturday besides sleep or day drink #yourejustbadatcollege

I’m going to go ahead and assume this speaks for its self. Homework is for Sunday nights ONLY. Saturdays are for sleep, hangovers, fried foods, piecing together last night, and more drinking. That’s it. Girls going on dates have to look showered and presentable before 10pm, and that’s just asking too much.

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4If you have coherent texts in your phone #youredoingitwrong

The best part about being single is you don’t have some dude texting you every 10 minutes while you’re out. Don’t even get me started on long distance boyfriends, asking what you’re up to, who you’re with, where you’re at. DON’T even get me started on girls pausing pong games to text their boyfriends back. Phones on weekends are for one thing and one thing ONLY: getting you laid.

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5If your Sundays don’t smell like stale alcohol and regret #youredoingitwrong

Again, self-explanatory. I don’t know about you but when I wake up hung over I generally smell like a dead animal. My breath, my skin, my sweaty clothes from dancing all night, the mac and cheese I drunkenly burned at 4 am, all not pleasant, but the signs of a good night. At this point, try to just pretend last night didn’t happen. Go ahead and block what little memory you have left of it. It probably wasn’t pretty, but it sure as hell was fun. As Abraham Lincoln once said, “If you can’t remember it, you can’t regret it.” Wise words.

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6If you make it to class on Fridays #youredoingitwrong

Thursday nights are the shit. When was the last time your girlfriends in relationships went out with you on a Thursday night? They are too busy cuddling with their boyfriends watching chick flicks and being generally just being boring. You should party so hard on Thursday nights that you sleep through all your alarms Friday morning, your classes, and lunch. By that time, class is over, its too late, and you might as well start drinking again…

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7If you remember these guy’s names #youredoingitwrong

Don’t remember their names, faces, majors, etc. Exceptions can be made on Halloween, when it might be hard to forget you went home with Ash Ketchum or the Cookie Monster. Generally though, this is just wasted brain space better used for the address on your fake, the code name of your latest crush, or retaining N’sync lyrics if by the grace of God they ever do a reunion tour

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8If you’re friends with these guys on Facebook #seriouslygiveup #youredoingitwrong

I’m not going to tell you to refrain from facebook stalking your hookup when you get home, cause lets be honest, that’s asking the impossible. Of course your curious about the passed out body you left tangled in the sheets when you snuck out at 7 in the morning. However, this can be a complicated matter.

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9If you give a fuck about anyone besides yourself and your best friends #youredefinitelydoingitallwrong

Long hair, don’t care. Do whatever you want, whenever you want.

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Being single in college is God’s greatest gift to us. It’s your time to get fucked up and be responsible for no one and nothing. Make every bad decision now so you can create some sort of moral code and standards for when you actually have to enter real life. DON’T waste this precious time in a relationship that’s going to fall apart a month after you graduate anyway. To everyone in a relationship, it’s ok to be jealous…

And to all my single bitches, party on.