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The Female Fuck-it List
Everyone wants to do stupid shit before they die. Like jump off a bridge or shave an alpaca or hate-fart on Lindsay Lohan’s face. Or all three. Your bucket list is like a Picasso painting—it looks like shit and you probably just scribbled what looks like pubes, but if you actually finish it then odds are someone like Morgan Freeman will star in a movie about you or something. You’d probably make all sorts of money and shit, too.
But that’s not why I’m here. Bucket lists are boring as fuck. I’ve already gotten arrested by Campus PD, blacked out for the duration of my trip to Mexico, and eaten my weight in bacon and froyo. So I’ve lived a good life. What I am afraid of is not having fully banged my way down the ultimate list of delicious men every female would give her left aureola to fuck.
Females everywhere keep a mental fucket list of who they make it utterly mandatory to be inside of them before landing themselves inside of a coffin. I’ve compiled a number of male commodities based on feedback I’ve gotten from girls I love and hate, but mostly hate.
This is the Female Fuck-it List.
Ryan Reynolds: Was I the only one who caught Ry-Ry tongue punching a dude at the end of the movie Ted? Yeah. Ryan Reynolds could shit on your face, and you’d still be happy about it. That’s how bad girls want to smush his chorizo. Not only does his body look like it’s been chiseled by Jesus himself… but… yeah that’s pretty much it.
Tyrese: Two words—Chocolate Dream. Remember that song Pony by Ginuine? That’s what I want to do to Tyrese. And as a child raised on Friday, Boyz N Da Hood, etc., you’d also know that you’ve never seen a sexier ass in Baby Boy than ‘Reesie.
That Dude Who Wrestled in High School: Every bitch wants to fuck that one wrestler in high school who looked like he took steroids—pause—but probably was just super jacked. He has a perfect complexion and a smile that makes your snatch drool. You’ll probably return from college to find out he has a girlfriend who doesn’t deserve him. So you just fucket list that motherfucker.
Some Boss at Some Job You Worked at… While You Were Working There: For some reason it’s in every girl’s fantasy to seduce an authority figure who’s 10-15 years older than you. Sexy, right? That gives whole new meaning to bouncing a check.
Some B-List Rapper: Every chick is a groupie at some point in her life. And they all hate to admit it. Go on with your bad self, honey, because it probably isn’t that difficult to get YG alone in a room after a concert with general admission seating. Be careful, though. He’s probably got diseases or something.
Chris Brown : Here.
The Running Back on Your Favorite NFL Team: That one’s probably still on every girl’s bucket list. But if you’ve crossed this one off already, then big ups to you. You are one classy bitch. Niner gang.
Your College Football Team: When I was going to Cal, I met this one girl who kept tallies of the dudes on the offensive line. She ran out of tallies. So… that one’s for you.
Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Best Friend: Revenge is best served hot and sweaty with your ex-boyfriend’s wingman since kindergarten. Unfortunately, certain females refuse to rationally deal with their anger through emotion, therapy, and food, and resort to the BFF smush-attack.
Your High School English Teacher: When I was in high school, whenever anyone popped the phrase “I’m torn,” the appropriate response was, “Why? Did you have sex with Mr. B last night?” You’ve got to love that one teacher in high school who would hyper-extend his leg onto the podium, lean his elbow onto his knee, and protrude his bulge out of his high-waisted jean pants for the entire freshmen class to gape at. You know you love it, slut.
Your Brother: Just kidding. That’s incest. You sick fuck.
Justin Bieber: Someday I want to go all DOM on the biebs and crush his 80-pound ass with my 80-pound ass. As does every other female. Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhh.
It’s time we get to crossing these off, ladies. YOLO.