Warm Drinks For Winterish Weather

We are now officially in the most dismal time of the year. All of the fun holidays have come and gone, Spring Break seems ages away, classes are kicking into full gear and it seems to be the coldest part of the year.  During this time of year your best bet is to drink something warm, and a lot of it. Hopefully this will be enough to ease your pain during what is undoubtedly, the shittiest part of the year (Yes, worse than Finals week). So this week I have compiled a list of drinks to warm you up, inside and out:

Irish Coffee:
Nothing earth-shattering here. In fact I won’t even give you a recipe. Make Coffee, pour whiskey (preferably the Irish kind) in it. If you are too much of a pussy/don’t like coffee without cream/ too addicted to your Mocha-Frappo-Whatever-The-Fucks (If your a girl, I understand. If your a guy and you have ever ordered something from Starbucks with more than two syllables, your a blatant waste of testicles), add Irish Cream. I would like to think that most of you could have figured that out on your own.

Or, if you are a real man/love your country. Here is a little step up for ya:

Kentucky Coffee:

• 1 part Wild Turkey 101
• ½ Part Honey liqueur (Wild Turkey makes a Honey liqueur, called American Honey. If you’d like to stick to one brand)
• 3 Parts coffee

Apple Pie (With 190-Proof Everclear):
We are not talking about your Grandmother’s Apple Pie Shots. Actually, I am hoping your Grandmother does not have any variety of Apple Pie Shot. We are making this stuff with 190 Proof Grain Alcohol. This is the most alcoholic beverage ever distilled, outside of unregulated hillbilly moonshine, I’m presuming. You can run cars off this shit. Now, if you are their saying, “This is pussy stuff, I’ve seen Everclear/Had Apple Pie Shots all the time!” Well, if you are reading this in California, Florida, Hawaii, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, or the City of Chicago, you are lying to yourself because your state/municipality outlaws the selling of the 190-Proof Variety. Write to your governor, smuggle some in, or move. Here is a recipe for a bulk vat of Apple Pie. Call some friends over and enjoy:

• 1 Liter of Everclear
• 1 Gallon of Apple Juice
• 1 Gallon of Apple Cider
• 7-9 Cinnamon Sticks
• 4 Cups of Sugar

Boil together everything that isn’t Everclear, stir in Everclear and drink up. Fair warning: There is a valid reason why this cannot be sold in 15 states and numerous other municipalities; this shit will fuck you up.

Hot Buttered Rum:
Pretty straightforward here and is exactly what it sounds like. Dissolve two tablespoons(ish) of sugar in hot water, add two-three shots of dark rum, one tablespoon of butter, and top off with more hot water. Certainly more refined than some of the other drinks recommended here. Best used on a special occasion or when you have a term paper to write. Or, if you would like to put some hair on your chest, rum can be substituted with Whiskey. However, I feel that adding sugar/butter/water would anger the great Whiskey Gods. This is mainly because I was taught at a surprisingly young age that straight men drink whiskey straight.

Warm Milk Punch:

• 1 part dark rum
• 1 part brandy
• Teaspoon of Sugar
• 2 parts (warm) milk

Warm Milk Punch is another awesome soothing drink. Not so much raging, but more of a night-cap, if your will. Esquire Magazine called it “Liquid Ambien” so use wisely.

That’s all I got. A few warm drink recipes to keep tolerating this semester/weather. After a few of these hopefully you will be liquored up enough to forget how shitty it is outside, how shitty the semester in itself is, and that Spring Break is still a month and a half or so away. Also, after your fair share of these you won’t need to wear a jacket out because you will be sporting the always fashionable and one of my personal favorites: The Liquor Coat.