2012 was a total let down; Brad Pitt made a terrible movie, There wasn’t a hockey season, and the Mayans were wrong – which means I’m wanted for a few crimes in a couple different states and probably ended up going halfsies on a few bastard children (fuck it, I’m young).
Nothing would cheer me up more than actually accomplishing a few New Year Resi’s this year. Let’s be honest – sometimes they’re hard to accomplish. So, here are ways to make your resolutions actually plausible. Because, fuck it, everyone needs a win now and again.
1. Aim low by degrading others.
Fact: Everyone wants to lose weight. People dont understand how difficult it is. You get the gym membership and shop at whole foods for one week; but gym starts cutting in to your blacking out time, and you can actually buy a hooker for less than what you paid at whole foods. Solution: say you’re going to lose more weight than you’re fattest friend.
”I’ll have the number 7, extra large fries and double mayo”
”Aren’t you on a diet?”
”Yeah, but I watched Tom put down a pint of ben and jerry’s with his Five Guys last night so I’m good.”
You just have to eat less than the fattest person you know. That, my friend, is easy. Resolution made simple.
2. Choose something you already started doing.
If you’re close to completing something then make it your resolution to finish it. For instance, if you’re a shoe-in for that internship then make “getting an internship” your #1 resi.
“Hey man! Got the internship! How’s your resolution going? I’m finished”
”I’m doing well on mine! Tom ate 3 burritos today and I’ve only had 1 so we can put that down in the ‘win’ column.”
Also, since saying “yolo” isn’t cool anymore (I’d actually argue that it never was) go a head and do yourself a favor and add “stop saying yolo” to your resolutions. That’s one in the bag, right there.
3. Make Resolutions while drinking. Finish when drunk.
Everyone knows drinking makes you pretty much invincible, so you may as well make a few resolutions while you’re drinking. Examples:
A. Eat a plate of french Fries.
B. Text Ex… tell them true feelings.
C. Take a shot I’ve never had before.
D. Make out with girl I’d never have courage to.
E. Punch Ex’s new boyfriend in the face. Dick punch his bestie.
F. Throw up in Roommate’s drawer. Laugh it off in the morning.
G. Buy new sheets (after peeing the bed the night before).
That’s 8 resolutions in one night. You’re fat friend wouldn’t even lose one pound in the time it took you to knock out 8. Next.
4. Do something you kinda already have to do.
Remember, this whole thing is about just getting a few wins in 2013, so you might as well add something you’re definitely going to anyway… may as well give it a title and call it an accomplishment.
For example: 1. – Refer to list from above
2. – Beat Keg stand record.
3. – Pass classes this year.
4. – Use a condom (maybe)
5. – Start asking girls if they are actually on the pill before sex.
6. – Stop believing (fuck you, Journey.)
7. -Get drunk and do Karaoke.
8. – Have sex while listening to Drake.
9. – Get tickets to The Xx’s live.
10. – Start using the word “Branigan” more often.
5. Make a Resolution that involves putting people down for their resolutions.
Probably the most obvious answer because everyone has an opinion these days. Use your opinion as a resolution.
Dumb Friend 1: “My resolution is working out! I’ve lost so much weight!”
You: “Look in the mirror… you’ll find it.
Dumb Friend 2: “My resolution was to get a girlfriend and stop swearing. Got the girl, still working on the cursing. It’s going well, though!”
You: “Margot is your girlfriend? I honestly thought it was your new pet dog. Get real, jackass.”
Dumb Friend 3: “I’m 2 weeks smoke free.”
You: “You should celebrate with a carton of cigs and a big warm glass of “no one cares about your lungs.”
Easiest. Resolution. Ever.
Good luck to everyone and whatever resolution you scheme up.