Dear My Less Responsible Self,

Two nights later, I awoke to find a sharpie, a dirty sock, a box of cereal, a plastic bag, and a sheet of newspaper scotch taped to the wall of my room. There were no other suspects for this doing, and since you have not submitted an alibi, I have reason to believe you were responsible. As a result, I have been the target of countless teasing and bullying with words and actions pertinent to this assault.

I wish it ended there, but alas, it doesn’t. For instance, I shouldn’t even have to mention the three minute long voicemail to our ex in which you sang “I Need You Now” at 3:15 in the morning. Or even that blank text to our mom at 4:30. Nor should I need to reprimand you on taking our pants off to go to bed when you’re clearly not in our own room. And next time, please do find a toilet before you get sick, as I do not enjoy cleaning up after you.

I am aware that I can’t control what you do, and since I have no other reasonable choice but to keep you around, I sincerely ask you to please take this letter to heart. Also, I would like to remind you that every time you do something embarrassing, it’s me who gets the blame for it. With that being said, I’ll see you tonight.

Sincerely,

Your Regretfully Sober Counterpart