Sad Handjobs
A handjob is a sport, usually played by high school athletes. Being a high school tactic, some people just can’t seem to get away from them. In a way, a handjob is America’s favorite pastime. Similarly to baseball, they both are boring. If you’re good, you’re good. If you’re not, you’ll strike out. Let me save you from the embarrassment of your boyfriend falling asleep on you or burning the skin off his dick. It’s time to become a better handjob artist. If you want good sex, you need to be good at foreplay. So sit down and take notes.
Be coachable - Every guy likes something a little bit different and nothing is worse than a girl that is not coachable. He is giving you tips to try and help you NOT be terribly pathetic like you are. So take the advice and go to work. A girl that sucks in bed and isn’t coachable essentially has bad skills and no upside. Frankly, you can exit my life NOW!
Hand decor – Make sure you recently got a manicure. A little color is always nice and no one wants a man hand with calluses touching their dick. A nice sexy, moist hand can go a long way.
Lotion – No one wants a rug burn on his dick. That’s what happens when you don’t use lotion. Dicks are meant to be wet, not dry. It’s called KY jelly, buy some. If you don’t like him, I recommend Icy Hot.
Speed intervals: Going at a constant pace and grip the entire time is equivalent to putting your fingers in a girl and not moving them. Go one hand, go two hands, go get your friends and use their hands. Go fast, go slow, and you get the point because I am starting to sound like the Dr. Seuss of handjobs. So boys and girls just remember, mix it up for the love of all holy penises in the world.
It’s not a dog - Don’t pet his dick. Yes, I’ve seen this happen. It is not an animal. Even though you secretly wish it was a puppy, it’s not. It is a dick. Don’t make him put a sign down there that says “no petting.”
Be firm - He should have to tell you if you’re going too fast or you’re grabbing it too hard. If you’re giving him a softy, he’ll stay softy. Just think, when you are not around, he is furiously masturbating to your best friend’s Facebook photos. So grab on and give him a ride he won’t forget.
Talk dirty or don’t talk - As Lil Wayne would say, “Put a dick in her mouth, and f*ck what she say.” Don’t give me handjob so I can hear about your day. The reason you are giving me a “handy” is so I can get hard enough to put it in. Or so your mouth can bless me in t-minus 3 seconds. Please grace the man about how much, “you love his _____” and how bad “you want his _____ in your _____.” Talking dirty leads to healthy long lasting relationships and FWB’s (friends with benefits).
Start blowing - Yes, this is an article about handjobs. However, a handjob should never stand and end as a handjob. It should always lead to a blowjob. No male ever wants a dry rub and tug. However, do not make out with him after a blowjob. #don’tlikethetasteofmydick
Take his condom off - Some girls like to jerk a man off after sex. Great! However, don’t leave his condom on. This is demoralizing for a man and he can’t feel anything. Do you want him to feel like he is at a doctor’s office getting jerked off with latex on? No, so please take it off.
The grand finale - Don’t get scared when the rocket’s ready to launch. You have this man’s penis in your hand, you damn well no what is going to happen next. When he is about to blow his load, don’t point it at him, don’t point it to the sides. That misdirection will result in it going on him or all over the bed. Again ladies, don’t shoot it on me. If I wanted seamen all over me, I would have happily masturbated without you taking up space in my bed. He wants it on you. You want to turn him on don’t you? It’s just liquid and wipes right off, so don’t shy away from the grand finale, and embrace it.
What tips did we leave out? Share your comments below!
