Being The Datable Girl
If you’re reading this article I’m going to go ahead and assume that you’re just like me: A female, college student, borderline alcoholic, and single as f*ck. Ladies, you are not alone. We’re young, we’re hot, we like to have a good time, and as a consequence we’ve dealt with our fair share of royal douches. So why is this? Why is it that we, the fun, outgoing, and “chill” ones are the ones dealing with all these dbags? Well, it could probably have a lot to do with the excessive amount of shots we take that lead to poor decision making, but we’re not going to blame that because 1.it’s too much fun to change and 2. I truly believe there is a stronger force at work here. This force being the “type” of girl that college guys want to date. They’re taking all the gems off the market. So listen up girls, and I’ll tell you exactly how to be the dateable betch. Next time you go home and your judgemental aunt asks you if you have a boyfriend yet you don’t have to respond with, “No, I just don’t have enough time for a boyfriend right now,” for the 19th consecutive year of your life.
- First and foremost, you have to be the equivalent of a human tracking device. You MUST find a way to freakishly know exactly where your precious boyfriend is at all times. And if for some reason you don’t know, you better freakout at him and make him leave wherever this mysterious place is to come hang out with you and do nothing.
- You probably shouldn’t like to have any fun. Ever. If he does convince you to go out and do something, you better make sure you’re not actually having fun. Make that apparent by standing in the corner with your arms crossed and giving everyone within a 10 foot radius of you a death glare that could keep the pits of hell aflame.
- Don’t get along with his friends. Tell him his guy friends are immature and he shouldn’t spend so much time with them. His girl friends are just out of the question. He absolutely cannot hang out with them cause they’re clearly all slutfacedhoebags and if he says he’s chilling with them they’re obviously banging behind your back.
- Get mad. Like super mad. All the time. Anything you can find as an excuse for him being wrong, jump on it. And if you can’t find anything, make something up. Convince him it’s all his fault and make him feel guilty to the point where he’s begging for mercy and forgiveness and pathetically professing his undying (slash inexplicable) love for you. We want him on his knees ladies.
- Make him your b*tch. You don’t even have to wipe your butt anymore, that’s his job now. He pays for everything. I don’t care how broke he is or if that necklace is way out of his budget, he better overdraft on his debit card to get it for you. If he loves you it shouldn’t be a problem.
- Two word alliteration: Constant contact. This one is key. Call him 8 times in 5 minutes, that’s normal. If he doesn’t answer, start texting him. Still no answer? Drive to his house and pound on his door. That’s not sketchy, that’s love. I don’t care if you guys are standing next to each other or mid-sex, hit him up. Send a fucking pigeon carrier, just get it done. There is always something to talk about, just keep it going. This is especially important when you let him hangout with his friends every once in a blue moon. Make him leave the room to chat on the phone with you for 3 hours straight, it’s least he can do for being selfish and having some fun.
- Find out all his passwords and hack into his texts and emails. Assault the mailmain and steal his mail. It’s you’re god given right. What’s his is yours, personal information included. You deserve to know whats going on. If he’s talking to another girl you sure as hell better know about it.
In a nutshell, you need to be a crazy-jealous-stuckup-stupid-effing-b*tch. Then you can find some poor man to call your boyfriend, but he’s really just your slave. Then you can live a long and miserable life together. Or, if you really are just like me, you can refuse to stoop to this level for a man. I’ll be the girl breaking it down on the dancefloor, taking shots, not giving a damn, chilling by herself, and having the goddamn time of her life.
