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Get Him Outta Here!
Marie Cox (Virginia Tech)
So you woke up with a random in your bed this morning, and he obviously doesn’t know the etiquette of a one-night stand. Instead of kindly waking up at 7 a.m., putting on his clothes and crawling back to whatever frat house he calls “home,” he decides to stay until noon to chat. Okay, you probably blacked out last night and there’s a great possibility he’s not the only one you made out with. On top of that, you most likely don’t remember his name. So why won’t he just leave? If this is a familiar scenario for you, or you’ve come to #CTL to find out what to do in these kinds of situations, you have a few options.
1. Sleep until 2pm. Whenever he tries to talk to you, play dead. Maybe for the hell of it you could even throw in a couple of fake snores. He’ll get bored of trying to entertain himself and eventually will have to leave.
2. Wake up, roll over and stretch your arms out pretending you don’t see him there. Then look at him and act as if the girl from “The Ring” was lying next to you. Scream and tell him to get out. Bonus points if you get him to leave before he has a chance to put on any of his clothes.
3. Pull the same stunt as that redhead from “Wedding Crashers.” Pretend it was your first time. Then ramble about marriage, your future mansion together, and how you can’t wait to have two-to-five kids with him. Everyone knows nothing scares a guy off more like commitment does. Use it to your advantage.
4. Simply say, “Oh crap, my boyfriend’s going to be here in 10 minutes.” Creativity counts here. You can choose a name for him, tell a funny story about him, and even make up the size of his imaginary dick. The random isn’t going to know that this person doesn’t actually exist. It’s kind of like Build-A-Bear, but it’s build-a-boyfriend, and you don’t have to pay $8 for the standard model.
5. All of the above failed? Please watch, learn, and master “The Face.”
Because telling him nicely to please leave is overrated.