- An Open Letter to Nice Guys
- The Picture Girl We All Know
- Straight Guy’s Guide to Hot Guys
- 25 Things I learned in 25 years
- Dear Miley
- 2013 MTV VMA’s Drinking Game
- I Don’t Want To Live In A World Where Ben Affleck Is Batman
- Just Do You
- Can we talk about the new Lady Gaga song for a second?
- Let’s Talk About Student Athletes
The 10 Commandments of Crazy Girlfriends
10. Thou Shall Give Us Obscure Compliments
This might come across as odd, but let me tell you: bitches (and by bitches, I mean the perfection that has graced you with her presence) loooooove obscure compliments. If you tell a girl something along the lines of, “Wow, those shoes really bring out the flecks of gold in your your eyes!” or “That shirt makes your shoulders look so delicate,” it doesn’t make you sound like our gay best friend…well, yes it does, BUT THAT’S WHY WE LOVE IT. Sure, we want you to do the whole manly no-baby-of-course-you-don’t-look-fat compliments, but the occasional (or frequent, whatever) obscure compliment will absolutely appease us, at least for the time being.
9. Thou Shall Memorize Our Every Word
Not only do we expect you to remember every word we say, we fully anticipate you spouting off entire conversations (solely to make us look like the princesses we really are) in the form of, “Wow, I really loved it when you said…” or “When you said _____ three months ago, I really wondered why you would choose to be with me out of every other guy!” This isn’t that difficult. If you can take 17 credit hours, this should be no problem. Furthermore, we expect you to remember every shitty thing you’ve EVER said, but forget anything we’ve said that could be misconstrued as negative.
8. Thou Must Observe and Participate In the Worshipping of TV Shows
Listen, since we are basically saints and watch “the game” with you (and by that I mean stuff our faces with wings and beer and bitch at you for not paying attention to us) then DAMN IT, you will watch Gossip Girl, The Office, Dance Moms, Jersey Shore and Mob Wives with me AND YOU WILL LOVE IT. I expect you to say things like, “Once Blair blacklists you, you’re out,” or “Why can’t the world have more Jim’s? You are my Pam.” I expect you to follow plots and to even take the initiative to catch up if, god forbid, you ever fall behind.
7. Thou Must Always Talk Smack About An Ex Hook Up
To answer the question of every boyfriend’s mind, YES we will hate every girl you’ve ever dated or hooked up with and YES we will be huge bitches to them. It doesn’t matter if it happened 5 years ago, I still hate her and will always assume she is a homewrecking whore intent on winning you back. The only solution that will even slightly absolve this problem is constant affirmation that I am infinitely prettier, smarter, funnier, and loved more than any and all of your exes. You should also say things of the following nature: “She’s packed on the pounds,” “You are basically better than her in every way,” “She dressed like Ke$ha for Halloween, that’s just totally unappealing,” “She’s disgusting and I hate her.” DISCLAIMER: Please know that despite your constant reassurance…I will always hate every girl that ever talks to you and will never stop.
6. Thou Shall Follow Club Etiquette
This rule is pretty simple: when I am at a club, other guys are allowed to buy me drinks; when you are at a club (and for some unfathomable reason I am not there) you are NEVER allowed to dance with other girls. I realize that this is a double standard, but I don’t give a shit. You think I will turn down free alcohol? That’s just the rules of feminism. If for some reason, some crazy bitch with a death wish FORCES your poor delicate soul to grind, you must NEVER FOR ANY REASON place your hands on her hips while dancing: this indicates interest and you will be forever the victim of my wrath. Choose your fate.
5. Thou Must Always Be Designated Driver
There are no exceptions to this rule. Sorry I’m not sorry.
4. Thou Must Blow Up My Timeline
Random cute texts during the day are nice and all, but I expect daily and very public declarations of your love for me. Furthermore, I expect variety! Wall posts, photos, quotes, videos, and songs are all acceptable. This is a necessity in our relationship because this allows not only me, your fraternity brothers, my dad, and my friends to see how painfully and blissfully in love we are, it also warns every other bitch on the planet that we are in love, damn it, so they can back their shit off right meow.
3. Thou Shall Accept Their Fate
Have you seen the video “Shit Girlfriends Say”? If not, do it, because that is your life. Do I feel bad for you? ABSOLUTELY NOT. You are so lucky to be dating me, why the fuck would I give you any sort of sympathy for “dealing” with me? If you want to continue to touch my boobs on a semi-regular basis, you need to accept my bitchiness, insecurities, insults, and fights for no reason as they come. And you need to like it. Also, my period comes once a month. At the same time, every time. That being said, I have no idea why you are constantly acting so surprised when I am mega-bitch status. #getoverit #crybaby
2. Thou Shall Think I Am Hilarious
I am well aware that I am the next Jenna Marbles, but I need YOU to be aware of it as well. You need to hype my blog and retweet me and like all my statuses and LAUGH AT EVERYTHING I EVER SAY. This is hard work, being hot and hysterical, but someone has to do it. You are so lucky to have me.
1. Thou Shall Make Frequent and Random Grand Romantic Gestures
Being my boyfriend is a privilege. Because of this honorable title bestowed upon you, thou shall work for it. I ain’t no easy dinner-and-a-movie bitch. I expect you to make grand romantic gestures, and I expect you to make them often. I also expect them to be surprises. Oh, and they should absolutely always make me cry (tears of joy of course, you idiot). They should also be varying in theme each time…I expect a horse-drawn carriage at least once and my proposal should be better than the effing Notebook. I am worth it, though, right? J
There you have it, crazies. If your man can’t follow these 10 very simple and absolutely imperative guidelines, kick that ass to tha curb. You iz a queen.