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Dude, I don’t want to be your girlfriend either: Things every guy should know about the female mind and casual sex
College is a time in all of our lives where we re-evaluate the importance of our morals. In fact, the generalization can be made that some, if not all, of our morals are thrown aside in order to live up to the full college experience. Hooking up is a modern rite of passage for all college students, regardless of their gender. Nowadays, females understand that sleeping with a guy who is not your boyfriend can be enjoyable and should be encouraged just as it is said to be for men. Even though we as women are up to date on the norms of a college sex relationship, our male counterparts cannot quite wrap their minds around the fact that we want as little to do with them as they do us. Let’s face the facts; we have met enough assholes that have made it perfectly clear that sex is a guy’s only objective on a standard Thursday through Saturday night in college. After all, we don’t think drunken guys are talking to us simply for the company. We aren’t idiots. So boys, next time you are looking for a hook-up, here are the simple truths of a female’s expectations for a sexual relationship in college…
- In general, if you live more than a hallway or building away, you absolutely need to give her a ride home. It’s the least you could do after she worked on that whiskey dick for a good 20 minutes. She’s wearing five inch heals and a skirt. All she wants of you after the sex is a ride as soon as you sober up. Preferably tonight, but if you can’t tell the difference between the sidewalk and right lane by then, the morning will do. No, you don’t have to talk. In fact, if you just met her last night, don’t speak at all. Shit could get awkward.
- If you are a friend or a common social acquaintance (examples: lab partner, friend of a friend, in the fraternity she frequents), stop panicking. She understands the levity of the situation, but suddenly avoiding her like the plague will only make things more awkward. You are an adult now. I think you can at least exchange “hellos” with her instead of pretending to text when you pass her on the street with your friends. The game of avoiding ruins friendships and makes for uncomfortable party situations in the future. Man up and say hello, if she is not a complete nutcase, it won’t make her suddenly think you love her.
- If you wake up the next morning and kiss the girl you just banged, or even go for round two all together, the girl is thinking one of three things: “OMG this guy actually likes me!” or “Oh shit! This guy actually likes me, how do I get out of here?!” or “Eh, what the hell? Why not?” If you don’t want to subject yourself to any of these responses, skip the morning sex altogether and take the poor girl home. She can’t be blamed for thinking into your sober actions. You are done here.
- If you want to repeatedly hook up with a girl, it’s a good idea to talk to her. You can’t be friends with benefits if the only time you speak to her is on the way to your bed. Things get confusing when she is still referring to it as a “one night stand” after the fifth time. At the same time, don’t over do it. If you are only looking for a constant hook-up, don’t lead her on just to get some in return. She was likely fine with things the way they were, but if you keep texting her or asking her out to dinner in hopes to get a little lovin’ in return, your signals might start to get crossed. Be straightforward and communicate that the two of you are simply fuck buddies. There is no need to get her heart tied up in this mess. You don’t need to sweep her off her feet if all you want to do is take off her dress.
- Gossiping is the number one favorite past time of the female species. If you didn’t want her best friend to know you had sex, you shouldn’t have done it. It’s just the nature of the beast. Plus, everyone knows you ran back to all your little buddies and told them you “railed the shit out of her”, or something equally disrespectful. Just relax, she didn’t tell all her sorority sisters because she’s madly in love with you. Girls like to keep score too.
- So she left her clutch at your place? Find a way to return it to her. She will be happy to know her debit card and ID are safe. Her first response is not going to be freaked out that you already called. If you don’t contact her soon after your exchange, chances are she will pull her resources, get your number, and contact you instead. You can only separate a girl from her Kate Spade clutch for so long before she begins to get worried. It’s not a backhanded way of giving you her number, either. She actually would rather not contact you first, or at all. She just wants her shit back.