College Countdown: Things Guys Do That Piss Me Off

1. Blame absolutely everything on their girlfriend being crazy.

No matter how many times I hear any variation of the words “that chick is crazy” come out of a guy’s mouth, it never fails to irritate me. Guys are constantly bitching about the women in their lives being psycho, and blaming them for every problem in their relationship, A-Z. First of all, we’re girls. We’re all a little bit psycho. So good luck trying to find yourself one that is completely emotionally stable.

Next time, try asking yourself how you are culpable for this girl acting crazy, because in some way, shape or form, you probably are. I’m not saying there’s an excuse for your girl doing crazy things like going through your phone, hacking your Facebook, or driving by your house like a complete sketchball. Obviously, none of that is acceptable. But you might have done something that at least explains her single-white-female behavior.

Of course there are just going to be those people (guys and girls) who are just bat shit insane, so avoid those kind of people, unless you’re into that. And some people totally are. You know what they say: crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

2. Pretend you want a relationship with a chick just so you can get it in.

I promise you, there are enough sluts in the world who will have sex with you no strings attached that there is no need to lie to nice girls with morals and trick them into sleeping with you. Nothing good will come of this: after you get it in, respective girl ends up feeling hurt and used when she figures out you weren’t for real. Plus, all her girlfriends are now going to think you’re an asshole, and those friends will tell all their friends what a douchebag you are… next thing you know, you’re practically blacklisted. See how that works? In the end, you’re only cock-blocking yourself, not only from sleeping with this girl again, but from sleeping with other girls in the future as well. So not worth it.

If you aren’t looking for a relationship, that’s absolutely fine. But you’re far better off being honest about it from the gate. That way, nobody hates you, and you’ll still probably end up getting laid. Either by this chick, or another hot chick who happens to be on the rebound who doesn’t want a relationship either.

3. Think they’re better than people.

FYI: at the end of the day, nobody really gives a f*ck that you play a sport, are in a frat, have a nice car, or come from a rich family. While I’m happy for you that you have things going for you, and it’s great that you bring something to the table, it doesn’t make you any better than anybody else, so don’t walk around thinking you’re God just because you play college fooball or drive a Z3. I sincerely feel bad for the small population of girls that do sleep with guys solely because they play college basketball.

4. Can’t take a hint.

You have to be half retarded if you can’t tell when a girl doesn’t like you. If she doesn’t follow through with plans, or doesn’t text you back, the worst thing you can do is try harder. If your gut feeling tells you she isn’t that into you, chances are she isn’t. Sticking around just makes you look creepy and desperate. Blowing up my phone and trying harder when I’m clearly not feeling it will only make me like you less.

5. Act too forward, too soon.

The quickest way to cock-block yourself is to cut to the chase too quickly. If it’s the first time you’ve exchanged a few text messages, it’s probably a bit early to blatantly ask a chick when you’re going to hook up, or if she’s looking to “have some fun.” How about this, asshole, next time, why don’t you try asking the girlr out to dinner before you try to penetrate her? The only girl that’s going to respond positively to that kind of disrespectful talk is a girl you probably don’t want to be sleeping with because there’s a zero percent chance that she doesn’t have two or more STDs.

6. Have no manners.

This one doesn’t need much explanation: there are few things less attractive than a person who doesn’t know how to conduct themselves in public. Manners matter. Don’t know how to say “please” and “thank  you”? Ew. Who raised you?

7. When guys try to get with friends, roommates, etc.

If us girls have one power in this world, it is this: we know absolutely everything about everybody. We have this sick ability to find out little bits of coveted information with little to no effort at all. We are bloodhounds with the ability to hunt down and store in our sick little brains an encyclopedia’s worth of dirt, gossip, without even really meaning to. You might call it creepy, but we call it brilliant. We females are masters of our trade.

And more than anything, who know who is involved with who. We know which guys all our friends currently talk to, as well as who they’ve dated in the past and everybody they’ve hooked up with since 7th grade.

This is why I don’t fucking understand how it’s even logical for a guy try to get with two girls that are friends, or worse, roommates. Trust me, you aren’t nearly smart enough to pull off a maneuver like that.

8. Ask a girl to hang out, then blow her off.

If a girl asks you to hang out and then you blow her off, at least that makes sense. But to go out of your way to ask a chick to make plans and then bail on her, just isn’t logical. Why bother?

9. Go through a chick’s phone.

If you are that deranged that you feel it’s necessary to go through your girlfriend’s phone/Facebook/whatever, you should not be dating her, or anybody else for that matter. You should instead be getting your mental health evaluated. Cause that right there, is certified psycho status. Easily the quickest way to get me to break up with a guy is to catch him snooping through my shit. There is zero excuse for that.

10. When guys call girls stupid pet names when they aren’t dating them.

 I don’t think there’s many things creepier than calling a girl “babe” or “hun” or something when you aren’t even together. That’s a Stage 5 alert right there. Save the obnoxious pet names for when you’re dating a chick and she’s already committed to liking you, or you might never get that far.

Just for the record, however: “babe/baby” is totally acceptable in bed, however the “L bomb” is not. Nobody wants to talk about love during sex. Get it through your head.