Wifey Season
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…
WIFEY SEASON. Say what? Don’t act like you don’t already know what it is. It’s that special time of the year when it’s colder than the antarctic and rooftop bars are like a scene from 8 Mile. So what do you do? Get a boyfriend/girlfriend and stay inside.
So it’s already November. Technically, you’re allowed (and it is suggested,) that your last slutty venture of the summer ends at Halloween. After this, wifey season is in full swing.
Our friend John Mayer said it best in his song, St. Patrick’s Day, to which we’ll be referring.
“Who knows what will be, but I’ll make you this guarantee. No way November will see our goodbye.” So it’s November. What happens in November? It’s Thanksgiving, you eat a butt-load of food. You’re starting to get into your winter fat-ass rut and sit on the couch for hours watching football. YOU NEED someone to hit up on the reg to burn those calories.
“… When it comes to December, it’s obvious why. No one wants to be alone at Christmastime.” CHRISTMAS, and of course Hanukah and Kwanza. Who gives the best holiday presents? Don’t act like it’s your family. Girlfriends spend INORDINATE amounts of money on their boyfriends. Girls, sorry boutcha. You’re about to spend a lot of money and get the shaft. But hey, at least your married sister can kiss your ass now, you have a date.
“… Come January we’re frozen inside.” Alright, you got some great gifts, but now you’ve been dating for about two months, and you have to ask yourself the question, (or your girlfriend will ask it for you) “where is this going?” Don’t ask questions. You’re coasting.
“… February, won’t you be my Valentine?” Don’t lie to yourself. The bars are lame on Valentine’s Day. Nobody goes out. No one even drinks, unless you count sitting at home drinking a bottle of wine. You want to go on a date; and you want to have sex, duh. Although it is the single worst holiday in the books, EVERYONE acknowledges it.
In case you’re wondering, wifey season is in the 7th inning and you’re about to stretch…
“… I’ll be alright, if it was just ‘til St. Patrick’s Day. CONGRATULATIONS. You’ve completed the wifey season cycle. So what happened? St. Patrick’s Day, the official end of wifey season and now it’s time to go your separate ways. You’ve made it through all of the major holidays, got some great presents, had some solid, consistent hang-outs and hook-ups, but hey, St. Patrick’s Day is a day to wear green and get hammered. Not to mention that it usually falls during Spring Break.
And NO ONE, I said, NO ONE, has a significant other on Spring Break. So go on lovers, do as John does. Wife up and coast for the next couple of months and I’ll see you on the beach with a shot of tequila in March.
