How to Impress the Girlfriend’s Family

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Let’s be real, the holidays are all about impressing people. New girlfriends/boyfriends are brought around to meet parents. Gifts are held to impeccable standards, each one having to be better than the next.  And beers are slammed so hard people start calling you the Pabst Blue Rapist.

This holiday, of all of the people I encountered, one person stood out among the rest: the new boyfriend in the family that didn’t have a good handshake and couldn’t look me in the eyes. I immediately thought he was a bitch. Men who read this article know that when meeting someone, nothing says “Take me seriously or I’ll bang your wife” like a solid handshake.

After the despicable handshake, I went over to a family member to complain about this boner. I was told, “Give the kid a break, it’s intimidating to walk in to a house and not be the only one not in the family.”  So then I thought, “How would I make a good first impression?” And needless to say, I think there are people out there who need the help.

1. Strong hand shake, look directly in opposition’s eye, state your name like you’re from medieval times, and if they don’t laugh at your awesome humor then throw them the dick punch.
2. If someone asks if you want a beer, oblige the request – but also ask for a shot of whiskey with it. On the rocks. Slam the beer, sip the whiskey. It’s like one-upping for alcoholism. Not to mention people will be impressed that you know whiskey is wicked classy. If the people don’t have whiskey, you immediately just made them feel insubordinate to you.
3. In the middle of dinner – start curling 20 lbs. If your dick punch didn’t work, nor your whiskey one-up, then letting the family know you’re a health nut by ripping out a set of bicep curls will set some serious tone…and probably get your girlfriend super turned on.
4. Bust out super awesome words that make you sound important. Try: Delegate, corporate meetings, Steve Jobs, and moustache trimmer.
5. Beat the piss out of every sibling of the person you are dating. Think of it like jail – if you don’t establish dominance in the family right off the back, then the rest of the relationship is gonna feel like you’re constantly dropping soap in the showers.
6. Answer any and all phone calls with “This is (your name)… haha yes, I know. Sorry, my receptionist has the holiday off. Here’s what the family will be thinking “OH SNAP! This kid has a receptionist at age 20? F’ing keeper this one. Hell, I’d bang him.
7. Dance with grandma. I don’t mean any of that lame step she was taught mid WWII. Teach grandma how to Dougie. But say it classy, like “Grandma, let me educate you on the popular step that is, the Douglas.” Maybe throw a tit grab in there, let Nana know you’re here to party.
8. Make ex-lax brownies. You know how cool you’re going to look when you’re the only one not making a Usain Bolt to the crapper? Absolute boss status.
9. Bring a microphone and every time you make a good point, drop it and walk out of the room. Tell me you wouldn’t look badass if every time you said something awesome you got to drop a mic and walk out. You would, you totally would. On top of that, pour one out for your homies every now and then – just right on the carpet. It’s not your carpet, what do you care?
10. When you’re leaving, pull out a set of speakers and start playing “Separate Ways” by Journey.  No explanation on how badass this would be. None. If you don’t know, then start freshman year over again.
11. Randomly throw the word “respect” around. No, seriously. Just pepper that shit in everywhere. After awhile, whenever the family hears that word, they’ll think of you. Basic psychology. “This turkey is great. Respect.” “I respect this beer a lot.” “I see your point of view, but you still are a brutal person to listen to. Respect.” “Your daughters boobs keep me busy for hours. So much respect.”