Dear Slow Walker

Dear Slow Walker,

Excuse Me.  Uh, ‘Scuse me. Erm, Uh..Can you just, yeah….

MOVE.

Hey, what’s up. I’m the girl breathing down your neck trying to get to class on time. It’s not a coincidence that I just yelled on the phone “I’m SO LATE!”. I was trying to subtlety (but not subtlety at all) get you to pick up the pace a little.  I don’t care if you and Franklin the Turtle are best friends for life and had matching lunch boxes in kindergarten. You are human.  You do not have shell. It’s all a lie. Slow and steady does not win the race; it’s pisses off the people behind you.

You may be wondering why I don’t just walk round you and happily continue on my way. I’ll tell you why. Because you and your friends decided to travel like a herd of wildebeests taking up the entire sidewalk.  Maybe if you weren’t walking in heels, you would understand that this is not a Paris fashion show nor are you a Disney princess. This is not the time to pretend you’re sashaying down a run away. It is not the time to pick up flowers, talk to small woodland creatures, or break out in song. It is time to walk faster because some of us have places to be, classes to fail, and day drinks to attend.

You may also be wondering why I don’t walk on the street to pass you or bulldoze through your herd. Because my hairy wildebeest, I don’t want to end up like Mufasa. I do not want to enrage you by cutting you off, causing you to stampede, killing me with your six-inch heels. I also do not want you then to feel the need to cut me off just so you can prove that you can walk just as fast as me. This will last for ten seconds before you  slow down to the speed of the snail slugging along beside you. Do you plan on including him in the conversation or do you think he just makes a really good escort?

What do I plan on doing then besides writing a letter to you? I plan on giving you as many flat tires as possible and teaching you why you should never wear heels to class.

Hope you trip or a bike hits you,

#CTL

P.S. Die.