What is true love?

Love is something that every human being in the world craves but only few are able to find. It is the most powerful force on earth. It’s what enabled Jimi Hendrix to create some of the most beautifully awesome songs ever. It’s what made Tom Cruise jump up on a couch and look like an idiot on national tv. It’s what made Lorena Bobbit cut off a wiener (don’t wrong that bitch). The unfortunate part is, just like pimpin’, findin’ love aint easy. That’s why I am here…to guide you.

The fact that I am even attempting to talk about love is quite ironic considering that the list of serious relationships I have been involved in is shorter than the list of famous Jewish athletes. Me giving advice on love is like an Asian woman teaching a driver’s ed class; However, I feel like I have seen enough people fall in love, that I kind of have an idea of what it takes to make it work. I’m like a PGA swing coach. I can tell other people how to do it correctly, but when I take matters into my own hands, I suck. Patience is a virtue. I’ll find my smart, funny, caring, rich super model one of these days. Until then, I’m just gonna sit back, enjoy the ride, and impart on you my completely unproven advice on how to find true love.

One idea I believe we should all keep in mind, is that hotness is not the only character trait that matters. It is definitely the most important (hard to love what ya can’t look at), but it should never be the sole differentiator. Think of it like a Dairy Queen. It’s got both hot eats and cool treats. A one stop shop for awesomeness. Your GF/BF should be the same way, hot and cool. Look for the person who offers hot, juicy chicken strips and cool, delicious blizzards with chunks of Oreos and you should find yourself on the right path. Unfortunately most of the girls I have associated myself with resemble more of a Long John Silver’s – just a bunch of shitty seafood.

There are definitely going to be some speed bumps along the way. That’s why it’s so important to stay patient. We are all aware that patience is a virtue, but how many of us actually instill that virtue? I know quite a few people who got married within 6 months of dating. That is fucking crazy. You can not possibly get to know a human being well enough in that amount of time to make a decision that life altering. I’m not even comfortable taking a shit within 100 feet of a girl that I’ve only known for 6 months, let alone asking her to marry me. What’s the rush? You will have so many years to start hating each other. And contrary to popular belief, divorce is not the new break up. Think of popping the question like hitting the NOS boost on your tricked out Nissan Altima when you’re competing in your weekly neighborhood street race. Hit the boost to soon, and you will run out of juice before the finish line. Don’t hit the NOS button too soon. Just ask Paul Walker…a true champion of love.

Maybe if we didn’t make getting married so easy/fun, people might put some actual thought into who they claim they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It’s easy to rationalize marrying someone when you package it with a bad ass wedding party that mom and dad pay for and a 2 week honeymoon vacation away from work (Cancun for Spring Break! Whoooo!). That’s not real life though. It’s just like when people “fall in love” on The Bachelor. I could fall in love with a shovel if our dates were as extravagant as the ones on that fucking show. You love the fact that you are in a helicopter hovering over Costa Rica on your way to your own private beach side cabana to eat five star meals and drink the finest wines while showing your face on tv, not the person you are with. Make sure you are in it for the right reasons.

I find that it is very important to be yourself. You should never have to cut the puzzle piece to make it fit. I will often times see my friends turn into a completely different people when they are with their girlfriends. Those other people are often much douchier than the people they really are (I’ve never heard Steve call someone a snuggle bug before). If you are advertising something you’re not selling, you’re doing both of yourselves a deep injustice (fuck you Crystal Clear Pepsi). Look at it this way – If you like each other for who you aren’t, you are going to hate each other for who you are. Now there’s some fuckin’ wisdom for ya, bitches.

You see ladies, guys will say/do whatever we think we need to to get in your pants. It’s in our nature. Why do you think we started using pick-up lines? We are constantly researching the fastest, easiest ways to get ourselves from A to B. The only reason we don’t currently execute the “bonk and drag” tactic of picking up chicks is because caveman ways are no longer socially acceptable (Damn society and its stupid rules). I say we have digressed, but that is just one humble man’s opinion. Now that we can’t take what we want, we have to lie to get it. Learn to look through our bullshit, and you will avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.

I guess the important point is, guys and gals need to learn accept each other for who they are. Screw all of that Mars, Venus metaphor stuff, the difference between us is actually much more simple than that – dudes are retarded, bitches are fuckin’ crazy. It’s that basic. Guys tend to do incredibly retarded things (watch porn together, wear V-neck t-shirts, cry after our favorite team loses, expect blow jobs after a first date…) and girls tend to do really crazy things (go to the bathroom together, watch and actually enjoy romantic comedies, break up with their best friends, have periods…). See my point here? We are completely different beings (guys have penises and girls have vaginas), but when we can recognize and accept our differences, no mater how retarded or crazy they might seem, we will knock down the barriers that prevent us from understanding who we really are.

So there ya have it. Love advice from the guy who spent Valentine’s day watching his roommate and his roommates’s girlfriend make out on the couch while he tried to watch Florida play Alabama in basketball. Pathetic. If you enjoyed this, you should also read Hitler’s article on “how to treat people with respect”. Very informative. What was my inspiration for writing this? Remember that time I told you that guys would say anything to get into a girl’s pants? Well there ya have it. Bitches love sensitivity. Give me a call if you want to bang…I mean hang.